Been quite a number of days and let me just say I missed writing on here but you know what they say about condition and cray-fish!
Anyways I have decided to dedicate this post to everyone out there that dreams of being famous and is still going about it the wrong way. “The wrong way” in this context includes but is not limited to, actually having talent, honing said talent, learning a skill, inventing something noteworthy or humanitarian service of some sort.
If you are relying on your talent taking you to Hollywood, I suggest you go get a degree and a bank job when you are done dreaming. Gone are those days hun.
First off, are your folks rich? Oh they are? I’m not talking serious minded rich people oh! The Carlos Slims and Co. By rich I mean your parent’s money must be inversely proportional to their morals/sense. If you have such parents half your work is done. The presence of such wealth would convince you; Little Miss Ordinary, that you are the best thing since sliced bread.
Now that we have established that your folks are rolling in the green, next we have to work on your looks. Acting classes you say? No! No! No! I already cancelled your acting classes. I booked a 3pm appointment for you with Doctor Gay sorry I meant Rey. He would make some sketches with his marker and chop away at all that unsightly mess that is your waist line, fix your boobs and butt and I think we can get one of those metro-sexuals (who invented that word) to add some color to your hair…I’m thinking blond! You like?
Ah! You now look like every other blond wanna be superstar in Hollywood. We are almost there. We need to revamp how you think. You must convince yourself you are a star. Be rude and impolite. Don’t take off your sunglasses even at night or at the movies. Act like you don’t ever take a poop. Say every politically incorrect thing you can think off.
By now you should be pretty famous. Huh? You are still not? Ok let’s bring out the big guns.
You need to make a sex tape! Tufiakwa! You say? You better get with the program. Look what a sex tape did for Kim K. No scratch that. Look what a sex tape did for the entire Kardashian family! Here’s what we would do. Pick a guy, any guy really, he doesn’t have to be famous. Someone preferably hung please. You don't have to be particularly good in bed either. It doesn't matter, its the idea that counts. Let said tape simmer for a bit in your vault. Leak it on the internet and blame Mr. hung cock for the leak or you could say the tape was stolen from your “safe”. We would then copyright it and make money off it. Noooo its not porn!! its just two people having sex and getting paid for it.
Next we ride this sexual wave to red carpet events and high profile parties. A wardrobe malfunction would not be a bad idea at this point. Not that I am pushing you to whore-dom but you have to be in it to win it!
You are still not trending on twitter?? Shhhh don’t cry! I have a backup plan.
Get arrested! Yes! not for something major like killing someone please! (You are not famous enough to get away with that…yet) something minor. Driving under the influence, Possession of drugs, you know something not to mild but wild enough to get the media buzzing. TMZ would make sure the world hears about your arrest not to mention Perez Hilton would totally bump that girl from "The Hills" off his radar, thus translating to…“you must to trend utunu!” oh and remember to look good for your mug shot! Trust me that’s the money shot!
Right after your court drama and subsequent stint in rehab (trust me your Chihuahua and blond hair gave you a get out of jail free card) Ryan Seacrest should be calling about a reality show or some mess like that.
From here on out its up up and away. Your own fragrance (even if u have terrible B.O) an album (don’t worry some washed up musician or two would support you) your own clothing line (even if it’s too horrible for you to wear) Interviews by the truck load (I already called Wendy Williams she said “how you doing”) Some charity thing or another (act like you give a s**t please) A tell all book (I’ll tell the writer to make it very emotional)
Now you are a star!!!! Now the world can share from your abundance of “talent”
*Sips wine* aaaahhhh. Am I good or what!?