Wednesday, April 13, 2011

I Want to be Famous Pleaseeee!!!

Been quite a number of days and let me just say I missed writing on here but you know what they say about condition and cray-fish!
Anyways I have decided to dedicate this post to everyone out there that dreams of being famous and is still going about it the wrong way. “The wrong way” in this context includes but is not limited to, actually having talent, honing said talent, learning a skill, inventing something noteworthy or humanitarian service of some sort.
If you are relying on your talent taking you to Hollywood, I suggest you go get a degree and a bank job when you are done dreaming. Gone are those days hun.
Here’s a step by step guide to help you achieve superstardom:
First off, are your folks rich? Oh they are? I’m not talking serious minded rich people oh! The Carlos Slims and Co. By rich I mean your parent’s money must be inversely proportional to their morals/sense. If you have such parents half your work is done. The presence of such wealth would convince you; Little Miss Ordinary, that you are the best thing since sliced bread.
Now that we have established that your folks are rolling in the green, next we have to work on your looks. Acting classes you say? No! No! No! I already cancelled your acting classes. I booked a 3pm appointment for you with Doctor Gay sorry I meant Rey. He would make some sketches with his marker and chop away at all that unsightly mess that is your waist line, fix your boobs and butt and I think we can get one of those metro-sexuals (who invented that word) to add some color to your hair…I’m thinking blond! You like?
Ah! You now look like every other blond wanna be superstar in Hollywood. We are almost there. We need to revamp how you think. You must convince yourself you are a star. Be rude and impolite. Don’t take off your sunglasses even at night or at the movies. Act like you don’t ever take a poop. Say every politically incorrect thing you can think off.
By now you should be pretty famous. Huh? You are still not? Ok let’s bring out the big guns.
You need to make a sex tape! Tufiakwa! You say? You better get with the program. Look what a sex tape did for Kim K. No scratch that. Look what a sex tape did for the entire Kardashian family! Here’s what we would do. Pick a guy, any guy really, he doesn’t have to be famous. Someone preferably hung please. You don't have to be particularly good in bed either. It doesn't matter, its the idea that counts. Let said tape simmer for a bit in your vault. Leak it on the internet and blame Mr. hung cock for the leak or you could say the tape was stolen from your “safe”.  We would then copyright it and make money off it. Noooo its not porn!! its just two people having sex and getting paid for it. 
Next we ride this sexual wave to red carpet events and high profile parties. A wardrobe malfunction would not be a bad idea at this point. Not that I am pushing you to whore-dom but you have to be in it to win it!
You are still not trending on twitter?? Shhhh don’t cry! I have a backup plan. 
Get arrested! Yes! not for something major like killing someone please! (You are not famous enough to get away with that…yet) something minor. Driving under the influence, Possession of drugs, you know something not to mild but wild enough to get the media buzzing. TMZ would make sure the world hears about your arrest not to mention Perez Hilton would totally bump that girl from "The Hills" off his radar, thus translating to…“you must to trend utunu!” oh and remember to look good for your mug shot! Trust me that’s the money shot! 
Right after your court drama and subsequent stint in rehab (trust me your Chihuahua and blond hair gave you a get out of jail free card) Ryan Seacrest should be calling about a reality show or some mess like that.
From here on out its up up and away. Your own fragrance (even if u have terrible B.O) an album (don’t worry some washed up musician or two would support you) your own clothing line (even if it’s too horrible for you to wear) Interviews by the truck load (I already called Wendy Williams she said “how you doing”) Some charity thing or another (act like you give a s**t please) A tell all book (I’ll tell the writer to make it very emotional)
Now you are a star!!!! Now the world can share from your abundance of “talent”
*Sips wine* aaaahhhh. Am I good or what!?

Friday, April 1, 2011

Black Men and Drag!

When did everyone decide that black men in drag should be considered as funny? Seriously people it is so not funny or maybe it’s just me.
For the last decade or so black comedians have decided that it’s either you go drag or go home. When Dave Chappelle told Oprah on her show that he would not dress like a woman to be funny everyone thought he was being difficult.
Most of you don’t know that Chiwetel Ejiofor, Yes the Nigerian, actually played dress up in a movie titled “kinky Boots”. The same dude who played the scientist on 2012 I kid you not. I know some of you would want to see that movie. Don’t bother!
Martin Lawrence recent reboot of the Big Momma series has not in any way helped me feel better about this whole drag gag thing. Alas! For some reason the movie was thrust upon me and it totally sucked. Unlike the previous movies that had just Martin playing dress up, in this one he has an accomplice. I am not even going to bother going in-depth as to why the movie sucked and how weak the story line was. In conclusion, Don’t bother going to see it.
Don’t forget Tyler perry is donning the fat suit again to reprise his role as Madea, and a double dose of Shenene and Wanda; Martin Lawrence and Jamie Foxx respectively in  a bank robbery themed movie or something to that effect. All I can say is “why Lord why?!”
In my opinion these movies are degrading and slowly creating a disturbing image of older black women. In all my time over here, I am yet to meet a black woman who looks remotely like Tyler Perry’s Madea or Eddie Murphy’s Rasputia.
What sucks is when these comedians decide to dress in drag, they don’t try to bring out the beauty or softness in femininity, rather they reach for the frumpiest and flowery looking gowns they can find and the ugliest looking wigs. They would rather play an uncultured black female than an educated one or would rather be disgustingly obese like we need any more obese role models for black people. So please tell me how is that funny? And who exactly are these movies aimed at?  Teenagers? Middle aged black house wives? Young men between the ages of 25 and 45? Who exactly?
What bothers me is a lot of these parts could have been played by black women and we would have been perfectly fine with it. E.g why couldn’t Eddie Murphy replace Mama Klump on “The Nutty Professor” with Monique? I wouldn’t have noticed any difference? Was it any funnier with Eddie Murphy? Nope!. If Tyler Perry had cast a female as Madea would I have complained? Nope! So why is drag funny? Or am I missing something?
Honestly,these movies are born from a lack of idea or concept and they just go to show how shallow black people have become. The worst part is the young up coming generation of black comedians are already getting introduced into this part of the trade. Case in point; Brandon T Jackson. I actually thought he played a good role in Bow wow’s “Lottery Ticket” even though the movie bombed. Come to find out he’s playing dress up with old man or should I say woman Martin Lawrence! Oh! So it a rite of passage now huh? What a shame.
Whatever lessons we are supposed to learn from these movies (trust me they always try to infuse some lame lesson or another) is eventually lost in the obscenities and ridiculousness of the movie scenes. Take for example Madea running from the cops and cussing like a sailor. Or Wanda or Shenene trying to find love.
It won’t be long now before the Gay folk association or the Registered cross dressers would make some noise about all of this. Or maybe the same black people would make a fuss when a white man decides to play dress up as a black woman. Just you wait to hear the uproar!
Not that I am expecting this drag-dom to stop anytime soon, no thanks to the million and one movie goers who think it’s funny but all I am saying is, it’s so not funny.
Do you?